Pain

The universality of pain is the first noble truth. Everyone on this earth for some cause or another is in pain. "When we are born, we cry that we come to this great stage of fools," says Shakespeare's King Lear at the end of his life.

Pain enters the practice of integrity in two ways: our pain and that of another player. We must first understand how to deal with our own pain before we take on the pain of another.

The first step is to have a feel for the dynamics of pain and then to grasp why it presents both a problem and an opportunity.

The keys:

Pain presents a problem when it moves us out of integrity and into need--you will know instantly when you start to lose your bearings and the connection: your focus becomes blurred, mission uncertain, disorder rises, and the world begins to spin.
Pain engenders fear, which fueled by the creative imagination, conjures all sorts of make-believe future ills. Integrity is lost and then the panic begins, subtle and unheeded at first, but then a conflagration.
In every case when pain gets the better of us there is a loss of presence. This is why we must pay attention to subtle pains-- unabated stress or silent toil and tedium--that break the heart and rob the spirit. Indeed the greater pain may be less insidious than a subtle one because a great pain commands attention.

If the problem of pain is a loss of presence, reclaiming presence holds the key to managing pain effectively.

The next time you become frightened in any situation try this. Simply go into your body and attend to how the pain is expressing itself. Unlike what many people will tell you, it is important not to try to cut off or to suppress the pain. Simply attend to the feeling of it, physically, and observe. Don't expect anything.

What do you notice? If you do not notice anything that is okay. Continue. If you start to have ideas and thoughts -- in other words if your mind starts to wander -- return to the ground, i.e., your body, and attend.

As you continue attending you may begin to notice two things:

How continuous is the pain? Many people who practice this exercise report that their pain starts to break up -- in other words, it is discontinuous. There are patches of clarity between the stages of pain.
Does the pain begin to transform itself? If so, into what shape does it change? Be curious and report your findings like a scientist observing a butterfly.

Hold steady as you attend more deeply. Every true martial artist welcomes pain because he/she understands that in pain lies the source of power. (see Example 14th Century Samurai).

There is a complimentary approach to pain and it is through the light. In order to countervail the pull toward need, it is important to celebrate even the trivial victories and joys of our life, whenever they appear, and especially to pay them forward.

(See Pay Forward).

Let pain be your teacher to help you build an invincible Will that will see you through the times when you feel helpless and despairing.

It was thanks to the pain of paralysis from polio that Franklin Delano Roosevelt gained insight into the suffering of the American people during the Great Depression. Pain taught President Roosevelt patience, forebearance, and steadiness -- qualities he might originally have had but to not that degree -- upon which he built an iron determination to pilot the country through the Great War. One might even say that the National Reconstruction Act and Roosevelt's other economic reforms, and his combination of boldness, vision and courage in the war were the expression in the external realm of his even greater victories in the inner domain.

Once you can deal effectively with your own pain, you are in a position to meet the other player. The basic rule is: first help another person see their pain, then help them see how to take it away. Without the perception of pain there will be no impulse to action.

Here are the key moves:

Generally begin the process with an interrogatory question (the brush). For example:
"What is the greatest challenge you now face? " or
"How much of your reserves (time, effort, money, creative emotion) have you spent thus far?" or
"How much time might you save if you could find a better way?"
Ask one question at a time and allow the other player to respond. Give them breathing space and time.
When you ask these questions ground yourself, nurture, and listen with your entire body, not only with your ears, for the answers.
When you detect the pain allow it to register on your mind without interpreting it. This is the critical moment. If you are ungrounded you will become unsteady, stop listening, deny their pain, seek to push it away, or many other moves that to a sensitive player will only reveal your discomfort. Sensing your reaction the other player will likely withdraw and a delicate opportunity may be lost.
It is crucial therefore to hold the container and to keep the field open. Sincerity is the key. It is not easy for many of us to reveal pain and to open the heart. Be patient. If you create the space--simply by listening--the other party may reveal himself/herself. Your task is to nourish the process so that when the another player begins to express fears or sorrows or perhaps a vision yet unattained, you will find the moment to continue your questions, to help paint the picture, in the mind, ever more clearly and brightly.

A final point. The price another player will pay in time and effort, money and creativity, will be directly proportional to the clarity of this picture. The clearer the picture, the higher the price.

The pain is augmented when the other player believes that you alone possess the solution to allaying their pain, but that at any moment you may depart. And this also is essential --you must let that other player know that you respect their inalienable right to reject your proposal (see 'No').

When another player rejects a solution to their pain, they place themselves in a quandry, for the pain still remains, and the price they will later pay (again in terms of time, effort, money, and creative emotion) will rise sharply, when the pain remains unresolved. For this reason it is essential to nurture the other players' 'no' (see "No"), while exercising your own veto, with the understanding that both are no more than signposts along the path of effective action.