'No'

Each day we drive ourselves relentlessly toward 'yes,' and consistently neglect one of our most potent assets -- 'no.' A perplexed student laments, "Lives are ruined by 'nos!' Careers are destroyed by nos! Nos should be feared -- they can be telling you something is really WRONG!" True. But what does 'no' tell us about what is really RIGHT!? Let us learn a bit more about the recondite benefits and uses of 'no.'

1. Why 'No's Are Painful

The first step is to grasp that we fear 'no' because of pain.

A 'no' can disrupt our sense of ease and balance.
A 'no' can entail great financial loss if we have devoted much capital to securing a 'yes' (see Budget).
A 'no' directly attacks our vanity, our expectations, and our sense of entitlement.
A 'no' is often seen as a rejection and as a sign of failure.

At home or in school our parents or teachers criticized us for being wrong and so naturally we assume there is something wrong with being wrong!

No/Your Feelings

The first step then in your practice is to recognize these three things:

That a 'no' is simply a decision -- nothing more, nothing less.

That every human being has an inalienable right to exercise the veto ('no').

That the real problem with 'no' is not the 'no,' but the fear of 'no.'

2. Why 'No's Trigger Need

The next step is to pay special attention to how a 'no' triggers need.

A 'no' triggers an early program of critical parenting ("Don't do that! Don't do this!". . . we were once told -- and we became helpless or resentful).
A 'no' can interrupt our sense of connectedness and balance, at times our grip on the world.
A 'no' can have a chilling effect on discovery. We become confused and do not know what to do next, at the very time a 'no' requires of us a decision.
'No' insists on change often when we are most frightened of change.
For all these reasons the pains we experience can appear to us a calamity --all triggered by 'no' -- which almost invariably, a 'no' is not.

No and Need

3. Why a 'No' Can Benefit You

Another player's 'no' directs you back to your mission and renews the process of discovery. You ask yourself: "Where did I err?" "In what ways did I waste my resources?" "Did I let my vanity become involved?" "How shall I correct?"And then: "What do I really want in this situation? Shall I stay in the game or not?" Remember, you have the same right as your opponent to continue to play or to decide to move on. If you will let integrity be your guide, you cannot fail to turn 'no' into opportunity.

Here are two examples that illustrate why a 'no' can be Good Fortune's messenger. (See the Examples).

If you can learn to hold your balance -- your integrity -- in the face of pain without falling into need, you will discover something quite marvelous: your pain will transform and behind the 'no' you will find your power. Watch:

Curiously if your opponent rejects a valid solution, the price he/she will later pay to remove their pain will rise, and be directly proportional to the clarity and intensity of the image. That a 'no' can place the moving party in a terrible predicament seems to contradict reason and thus the student is encouraged to review the accompanying example carefully. (Example)
If you are able to hold steady in the face of pain, often an interesting dynamic ensues. You will find a new power to cut through helplessness and despair and to transform yourself. What you once believed were dilemmas become curiosities and even in calamity you will find your way.

Benefits of 'No'

4. How to Practice

As in other parts of this program, the key to developing mastery is to practice in low-risk situations -- for example, negotiating over your laundry or a restaurant bill.
Receiving and giving a 'no' are reciprocal. If you fear the 'no' you may be equally reluctant to employ it, and if you cannot give a 'no' your own decision making -- and most important your reaction time -- will be wobbly and uncertain.
It is essential to track your progress, noting any changes. For example, are you becoming less fearful? Does a 'no' hurt less? Are you able to react more quickly?
Run parallel experiments. In one case present effectively and leave room for the other player to reject your proposal. In the second, press hard and deny your opponent that opportunity. Track the process and see which encounter yields the better results.
If you practice seriously a day will come when upon hearing 'no' your reaction will be fearless, instantaneous, and exact, and on that day you will know that you have finally come to terms with your ancient adversary.